Miss you

Just found out my favorite cousin died.

Matt was my older brothers age, 40.

It wasn't an accidental death, but instead was self inflicted.

The worse kind because it was preventable. Maybe one more phone call or one more smile from a complete stranger could have made the difference.

I can't even imagine what could have been going on in his life or what he was feeling in order to feel there was...nothing... left.

Nothing left to wake up in the morning for,

to live for.

Matt was always my favorite cousin, even from when I was a little girl. He was always so fun and kind to me. I remember being about 8 or 9 and he took me to the carnival. He was probably 20. And I remember it being one of the best days. We did everything I wanted, did all the scary rides, played all the games- he even won me a big bear. Lots of cotton candy and tasty treats to top it off. And he did it because he wanted to, he was just a good guy. I will always remember his great since of humor. He was funny and was a really good looking guy. He seemed like it would have had it all.

But things are never as they seem on the outside.

He suffered from mental problems. But you would never guess that by looking at him. He was such kind hearted man. Just thinking about it makes my heart hurt. He went through a lot in his life.

His older sister, Wendy, was killed in a horrible car crash back in the 1980s when she was 16. Matt was around 10 when she died. She was coming down the canyon late at night and somehow went off the side of the cliff. When I was a teenager I would often get mistaken for her. Matt's mother, my Aunt Nyla would always tell me I reminded her so much of her daughter.

Then about 10 years ago Matt's mother died. She was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver about a mile from her home in Heber. His mother was the most amazing lady, I always saw where Matt got his kind demurer from, his mother. She was always my favorite aunt. Her death was especially hard on him and he was really close with his mom. I can't even imagine losing my sister and my mom too.

But on the outside he still remanined strong and smiling. We all know how hard it was on. After that I didn't see him for a few years. He lived back east for a while.

Then our grandma died He really grew close with her after the de
death of his mom.

And now our grandma was gone. He came back for the funeral. He moved back here after that. I would see him often since he lived with my parents for a few months. But he was different. You could tell the weight of the world was on his shoulders and he was in pain. But still he would smile. He had been though so much but still welcomed me with open arms and a big hug every time he saw me.

As I think back, I remember always being told how much I reminded him and his mother of Wendy, his late sister. My Aunt Nyla, his mom, would always invite me up to her home in Heber for a few weekends every year. And I remember being invited to Park City one weekend while we hung out with Matt and his wife and stayed at a mountain resort. I was always felt so included and welcome even though I was a young teen. I think back and maybe the fact that I reminded them all so much of Wendy maybe that helped us a bond together so well. They felt a lost connection with her though being with me.

When I was 16 or 17, I visited a friend's church ward one Sunday. There was a lady a few rows up from me that kept looking at me. I didn't recognize her. After the service was over she came up to me in tears. She told me that I looked exactly like her best friend as a teenager, her best friend who had died years ago. As we spoke I asked her if her friends name was Wendy. With tears streaming down her face she nodded yes. She told me she was so happy to have met me and she felt as though seeing me was helping her let go of her friend who she never was able to say goodbye to.

And now my cousin is passed as well. I guess he had just received news that his father, who lives back east had suffered a horrible heart attack and was in critical condition in a hospital. They don't expect him to last long. I guess that was the last straw for Matt. We all have a breaking point. I can't even imagine losing the people around me who I love the most. How it must be to feel all alone... wanting to leave this life because those you love the most are already on the other side.

I can't even imagine... I hope I never have to go though what he did. But I know that he is now in a better place.... he is no longer suffering... and no longer has to feel alone.

But he will be missed.

We love you and miss you Matt.