I am THAT mom

 I have never been one of those parents that has a hard time being away from my kids.. 

or so I thought.

I have friends and family that really struggle leaving their kids overnight when going out of town. They would tell me how hard it was and how they would cry as soon as they parted ways, call obsessedly each day and night they were gone to check up and leave the babysitter with detailed notes and rules as well. 

I always thought that was how it should be, it should be hard to leave your kids so I though maybe there was something wrong since I wasn't that way. I had only been away from Ava 2 or 3 times and for no more than a couple nights. I even looked forward to having a break, a day or so with my man to relax and enjoy our vacation. Don't get me wrong, I missed her and it was sad to leave her but I wasn't sad or see it negatively at all. I knew she was safe and would have fun with her grandparents while we were gone.

So this time should have been no different... but it was.

This time I was leaving 2 kids.

This time I was leaving a 9 month old baby, a baby that was so attached to me she would cry whenever I left her with a babysitter for too long.

And this was the longest I had been away from Ava and the first time leaving Baby Londyn. I was doing fine and wasn't worried but 3 days before we left.... it hit me

I started having nightmares, I couldn't sleep, and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was having panic attacks and horrible out of control anxiety. I started worrying about everything that could go wrong.. I was so worried I was going to try and cancel the trip. I have had issues with anxiety and panic disorder in the past but this was at bad as it has been. 

My husband was concerned and my anxiety about this trip was carrying over to my kids. They knew something was wrong, and I didn't want that. I didn't want them to miss us and be sad and if they knew how hard it was for me it would make it harder for them too. Especially Ava since she understands me, she mirrors my emotions many times. The day before we left I went to see my doctor and he gave me something to take for it. And finally I was able to breath again, take a step back to reality and realize everything will be okay, the kids would be fine, the plane won't crash, our luggage will make it there and that I'm not a bad mom for wanting to take a vacation with my man without our kids. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I try to take steps so it doesn't get to the point where I feel trapped in my panic. 

Well the night we left the kids I prayed they would be fine. If they were okay, then I knew I would be. But if they started to cry I would lose it. But luckily there wasn't any drama. In fact, they did amazing the whole time, with both famililes. What a blessing, truely. 

The vacation was amazing, as I said before and I did fine until about half way through the trip. Wednesday I started to get emotional. Luckily we were able to talk to them on the phone the day we were in Puerto Rico.  But for some reason it made it harder once I did. And I found myself wishing they were with us on the cruise. I did have a bit of a hard time that afternoon as we were shopping downtown in the quaint little shops of PR looking for gifts for our girls, seeing other little kids with the tourists made me really homesick for our little ones. But knowing it was only a few more days till we would be home I snapped out of it. 

They were fine, I was fine, everything was okay. So i did amazing the rest of our vacation. The day we got home as we drove home from the airport I couldn't wait to see them, hug them, kiss and love on them. 

Before our vacation I looked forward to a break and freedom away. But what I realized after this trip is I am not that worryfree girl anymore, I am a mom. And no matter what I will always miss my children and worry about them no matter where I am or where they are. My life has changed and thats okay. I wouldn't want it any other way. Now when I go on trips coming home is just as much something to look forward to as leaving is. Because home is my family and I love them more than everything!