The living nightmare

Looking back on yesterday it seems like a bad dream, a nightmare. I woke up this morning before the sun came up with a sick feeling, the feeling you have when you can't remember your dream but know it was bad. 

Then all the memories came flooding back. It wasn't a dream. It was real. 

A real living nightmere. 

It started last week. Russell, my husband, pointed out how bad Ava's legs looked. From the knee down they were COVERED in dark purple bruises. I just attributed it to the fact that she just learned to ride a bike. I mean don't all kids have bruising on their legs? Since its been cold she is always wearing pants or leggings so it didn't seem like anything to worry about. On Thursday there was this weird rash on the side of her face, back near her ear. It was red, purple dots. But it wasn't horrible. I just assumed she touched something than itched her face and had a simple allergic reaction. Then over the next 3 days the rash started spreading. It was on her neck, lower back, bum, upper legs. Also I noticed anytime she would slightly get bumped or fall, she would bruise really easily. She had a big blood blister on her lower lip. I asked her what happened because she literally just woke up with it on Saturday. She said she had been biting it. But it was really really bad looking. It looked like she had been punched in the mouth. For the next couple days there would be lots of blood on her pillow and sheets around her head. I thought that was a bit excessive for just a blood blister on her lip. Then Monday I noticed dry blood in and around her nose. I didn't understand why she was bleeding so much. I just figured maybe she had been scratching it or picking at it. 

Monday I had to run to the store and she went with a friend to the park with her friends mom watching them. When she got back. She had another blood blister on her top lip and a big scratch/ sore above her lips. It was strange. It  was as if the blood was trapped under the skin surface. She told me she fell off her scooter but didn't cry since it hadn't hurt. I checked her body for any other problems from falling. Her knees were all scratched up and she had a deep scratch on her chest. But she was wearing pants and a sweatshirt. How did she get so wounded from just a simple fall?  Now my husband and i were getting more worried. Its like her body wasn't healing itself the way it should. LIke there was something wrong with the blood in her body. A blood disease maybe? 

I called the doctor Tuesday morning, i left a voicemail for the nurse asking if i should come in or not. I told her about the weird rash Ava had and how easily she was bruising. In the back of my mind i figured it was nothing just simple vitamin deficiency. 

It didn't take long for the nurse to call me back. She said to come in right away. They needed to run blood tests to rule a few things out. Of course hearing this now I am so worried. What are they wanting to rule out? 

So i leave Londyn with my mom. And just Ava and I head to the pediatrician. Ava hates going to the doctor. She is deathly afraid of needles and shots. Of course I know that she is probably going to need to have her blood drawn which is a millon times worse than a shot. 

Ava was crying and scared. I stopped at a gift store on our way to the doctor and told her she could pick our any cuddly toy and a friend to keep her safe. She picked out a fluffy white dog. Her spirits instantly improved. Looking back i am so glad i made that stop. Throughout the whole afternoon she held that toy so close, it was keeping her safe.

I get to the doctor. They weigh her, take her blood pressure, temp- ya know all the regular stuff. As the nurse is doing all this she looks at the rash and right away she knew what it was, petechial rash. It didn't sound harmless. I had never heard of it before yesterday.

Petechia is bleeding into the skin and causes a skin rash that looks like pinpoint red spots. Which is exactly what she had. 

Finally we go in to wait for our pediatrican. Then a few minutes later my husband walks though the door. I was a bit surprised to see him. Whatever was going on with our sweet little girl. We both needed to be here to support her. The doctor comes in, looks at her, asks her simple questions. Another thing about her bruising that was odd. If you touched her bruise or pushed on it she said it didn't hurt at all. Now keep in mind these are dark, blackish purple bruises. It should have been so sensitive.

The doctor leaves and we wait for him to come tell us what he thinks. Right now I am feeling pretty confidence. He didn't give any dramatic signs. I just figured it wasn't a big deal. So he comes back in and sits down. He starts out very calm and slow. He tells us that her Petechia is very severe. He is concerned. It can only mean a few different things, all are bad news except for one outcome. Her blood platelets are dangerously low, which is necessary for normal blood clotting. He said her spleen and liver were not inlarged which was a very good sign. But that her low platelets were causing the mouth bleeding and bruising. He said we needed to go get her blood tested to find out what was going on. But basically she had one of two things.......

                       ITP or Leukemia. 

I just sat there stunned. What?? Cancer? No no nooo. 

This can't be right. She was perfectly fine last week. How could my 5 year old have cancer. My mind was a jumbled mess. I was too shocked to cry. For the first time ever. I was able to calmly sit there and ask all the questions i needed to. My husband's face went pale. I see his face go down, hands on his head, he was about to pass out. 

 The doctor explained the possible outcomes. He was very sure it was Leukemia. He wanted us to prepare for that. I asked what would happen next. He told me we would head up to Primary Childrens  hospital right away. They would need to start chemo tonight. Then he continued and told us the success rate was 98%. That this was one of the best beat types of cancer. That she could still continue her chilldhood. She would lose her hair. Treatments last about 14 months... I asked more and more. He told me it would be okay. That we could do this. I asked is there any way it could be something else.

 He said only one option was good the rest were not. Ava could have ITP (Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura) but it is very rare, only 1 in 10,000 have it. But the good news was that it is not serious. That the Petechia in children would usually go away on its own or only needed steroid meds I could give her at home.  

Based on how Ava looked he wasn't thinking it was that. But he said there was a chance. As I sat there talking to the doctor, Ava keep asking to go home. It's spring break and she wanted to play with her friends. It broke my heart. We were told to keep her activity minimal. Not to do anything where she could injure herself. No bike riding or running, the risks were too high. Any fall could cause internal bleeding and would be fatal. Especially head injures. As we leave the office. I am crying. It finally hit me. My Ava probably has cancer. my outlook on life, parenting, on everything changed. I am walking out sobbing.

Ava turns to my husband, " Why is mommy crying"

He doesn't say anything. What could he say? She had no idea what was going on. Cancer doesn't mean anything to her. This was every parents worst nightmare, to find out a child is sick, cancer no less the very worse kind of sick. 

I remember asking the doctor what caused this, what could I have done different? Nothing. He said Nothing i did caused this. That literally one day she was fine and the next day she woke up with it. It all  came crashing down. My perfect world. My happy little family. I wasn't going to lose her. We would fight this. Perspective on life changed. What was really important to me. Who cares about all those silly superfically things. If you aren't healthy that nothing else matters. 

As soon as we get out of the elevator I call my mom, sobbing, she could hardly understand me. I tell her Ava needs a blessing from everyone. My mom calls my brother and my dad to meet at our house. 

Since my husband met me at the doctor we had to drop off his truck at his work. He went in and when he came back out his eyes were all red, I knew it had finally hit him. It only made me cry more. I got out of the car and we hugged so tight both falling apart and somehow trying to keep eachother help together. But at least we had eachother. We would be there for Ava no matter what. 

We go to the hospital. I try so hard to keep it together. I want to numb myself from the pain I feel. Even though I know it won't compare to the pain she will feel in her cancer treatment. I have to be strong. Me falling apart is not helping Ava. 

Ava begs us to take her home. "Please no more doctors!" She cries. Little does she know the worst is yet to come. For a child who is deathly afraid of shots getting her blood drawn would be so much worse. Russell is clutching her tightly in his arms while I check in. Finally we go back. Ava knows exactly what is going on. All the nurses, medical stuff, Russell sits with her on his lap, her one arm extened out to the nurse and the other he is tightly holding. The nurse expains everything but nothing calms her. She screams out as the needle goes in. I had to leave the room. I was crying so hard. Her screams were so loud they rang though the hallways. Finally it was over and she was sobbing. I could see the huge bruise swelling on her arm from where the needle went in.

We leave the hospital. Ava has calmed down and is begging to play with her friends. She keeps asking if we can still go camping. We had a long trip planned for down south. We kept telling her that we didn't know. It was up to the doctor. Only if she would be okay. She didn't know she may be spending the next while held up in a hospital bed getting treated for childhood cancer. 

We get home and I call her friends to come play. She needed the distraction. She needed to be happy, to feel like herself. She had all the normal energy as she always did. She just looked bruised and worn down. Little kids dont see that though, they won't judge her on her nose bleeds or scrapes. They don't care if her body is covered in deep purple bruising. Grown ups are different. We worry, we judge. She seriously looked like a beaten child. It killed me inside. I would never hurt my sweet girls. But it looked so bad. 

My parents show up and my brother Brett and his wife. By now we had a whole bunch of neighbor kids at our house playing outside. It almost felt like a normal day. But in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't. There was still this dark cloud of unknown looming over us. Basically the doctor had said that we would know for sure what was wrong based on the blood test. And due to the severity we would pretty much know in 1 hour after the draw what her fate was. Ava is given a blessing. Family and friends start praying for her. We just want Ava to be fixable, if only it can be ITP and not cancer. So we wait. A hour goes by. Still no word back from the doctor. So I call them. The after hour nurse tells me that the doctor is still going over results and will call me back. I don't know if this is good or bad. About 10 more minutes go by. Its been almost 2 hours since we were at the hospital. Finally I get the call. 

Dr. Cornish starts out slow. Ava's blood platelets are dangerously low. He has never seen them like this. (They were at 2k) but her red blood cells are unaffected, and her white. Which would be affected if she had Leukemia. So he is pretty sure she has ITP. I should be happy right? This is good news. So why doesn't he sound relieved. He said there are still a lot of questions. So he tells me we will be getting a call from Primary Childrens Hospital so Ava can meet with a specialist and they will take her blood again and look at the results. In some cases of ITP it just goes away on its own without treatment. So if  Ava's body fought it on its own then she wouldnt need treatment. So we wait.

As I was writing the post above I got a call from Primary Childrens. They wanted us to come in right away. We were to go to the Cancer, Marrow and blood clinic there. I was sick to my stomach hearing those words. Day 2 I was a lot stronger, more level headed, less emotional. All the prayers were helping. I feel it. 

We get ready to leave, Ava is begging us "no more shots, no more doctors" we told her we have to make sure she is okay. We have to get her better. I try to distract her.  I tell her she can wear a pretty dress, a princess crown- whatever she wants. I want her to feel beautiful- she is beautiful. All those spots and bruises don't matter. And she was a lot more happy today. 

 We arrive to the hospital. It was chilling walking though those hallways. Seeing all the really sick kids. I felt out of place. What were we doing here... I can't belieive this is happening. We go inside meet with the doctor. He looks at her. They are pretty sure its ITP.  But they want to do a blood drawto analyze   themselves. The nurse was so cute and sweet with Ava. And Ava only cried a bit at the beginning. We kept telling Ava how strong she was and brave. We kept saying how proud we were of her and how much we loved her. 

 As we waited for the results we saw a little girl walking around with an IV stand. Probably not much younger than Ava. She was bald. Ava asked us why. I tried to expain how she was sick but she would get better but the treatment made her lose her hair. She told me she didn't wait to lose her hair.  I told her that we would fix her and everything would be okay. 

The photo above was from our camping trip. But it shows the brusing, backs of her arms, face, legs. The back of her legs were way worse but I don't have a photo of that.

Finally the results, and a new doctor to see. He was my favorite. He was young but sharp. He had all the answers to my questions, he wasn't all doom and gloom. He was positive without downplaying the situation. Basically she has ITP. They were 99% sure not cancer. But her blood platelets were extreamly low. So the average person has platelets between 150,000 and 400,000. Ava's were only at 1,000. It had dropped 1 thousand since he day before at the pediatrican. As soon as heard that I worried. I asked how she was even functioning on it being so low. What if I never would have taken her into te dr. Would she bottom out and just die? Would she bleed to death from a simple fall? I try not to play the "what if" game with this. I don't even want to imagine what could have been had I not tsken her in. How was she still okay. He said its all relative. Some kids will be fine at 8k or look really bad at 12k. But she was a bad 1K.  Her ITP was bad enough that it wouldnt just resolve on its own. She would require treatment. We had 2 options. 

                    

        Steroid medication or IVIG. 

The sterioids would be a very high dose over the next 4 weeks. Each week they would do a CBC (blood draw) and based on any improvement would lower the dose. But its just a liquid med I give her at home 2x a day. There are side effects from this. It would make her very irritable. It would increase her appetitte dramatically. They said she would wake up in the middle of the night starving.  The steroids take a few days to start working. They said by Saturday ( today is Wednesday) we would start to see improvement. But it would take the month to see the majority of the bruising and spots go away.  

IVIG was the other option. Basically they give her an IV- hook her up for the next 7 hours and just do a day admit to the hospital. It is a blood product transfusion. It contains the antibodies extracted from plasma from over 1 thousand donors. The effects of the IVIG last between 2 weeks and 3 months. They said we would see almost total improvement in 24 to 48 hours. 

Either option was a bandaid to temporarily help her while her system goes back to normal. The steroids would be easier on her. But the IVIG would be faster to fix her. I had a hard time deciding. Obviously the IVIG was way expensive. But money is nothing compared to having a heathly daughter. I pretty much was letting the doctor decide. I would do whatever he recommended. 

He said that he though we should start out on the steroids. Based on how she improved we would go from there. So if in 1 week she was still the same or worse we would have to do to IVIG. He also okayed the camping trip. As long as she was very careful, kept her activites to a minimum and didn't fall on her head. We were all looking forward to a break and getting things back to normal.  Finally I had hope and felt like everything was going to be okay. We are going to take this one day at a time. The doctor said that in children the recovery is quick. She should be totally back to normal within the next 3 months. This is not something she will have her whole life that it most likely will just go away with proper treatment. 

Ava brought her fav new dog that I got her yesterday to keep her safe. Ava named her " White" haha. This toy hasn't left her side for a moment. 

So we have to wait and see what the next blood test tells us.... But at least for now I have the peace of mind knowing that we can fight this, we can overcome this and though it we will be better and a closer family because of it. But life will never be quite the same. I got a taste of how quickly the tides can turn, how precious life is and to never ever take any moment for granted or any situation lightly. You never know what tomorrow holds so we can't live today with any regrets. 

1 week later-

Today we did another blood test. Ava started showing vast improvement just a few days after starting the medication. All the spots/ rashes are gone and the brusing is getting a lot better. Her bloody noses have stopped, no more sores on her mouth either.

P.s. Notice how in all the blood draw pics I post- this stuffed animal dog is in every one. Also her daddy is holding her in them all. Seriously there is nothing more attractive then seeing my hubby comfort my sweet daughter in her hardest times. He is so amazing with her! 

The last few days she keeps saying " mommy look my owies are going away" with all the doctors and everyone always talking about her and how bad she looked she was getting really self conscious. People don't point it out to be negative just more when discussing her condition or her progress but I guess she felt like she was ugly. 

One day I couldn't find her for a while, when i did she was hiding under my bed. I asked her why and she said she didn't want anyone to see her owies anymore. 

Seriously her saying that broke my heart....

I never ever want to feel bad or self conscious. This is not her fault and I don't want her to ever feel like her importance or worth is based on perfection. That day we had a long talk about inner beauty and how the way we treat others is much more important than how we look on the outside. I made sure she knew that all I see when I look at her is a beautiful girl inside and out. 

Well, back to the results. We waited 1 hour and the nurse at Primary Childrens called with the update. Last week she was at 1k. And this week..... She was  106k!!!!  

Seriously unbelievable!!!! Her blood platelets increased over 100 thousand in just 1 week. Her doctors were so amazed and impressed at her drastic improvement. Seriously our prayers were being answered. We still had a long road ahead of us. But for now things were looking very promising! They said to keep her on the meds and just to keep doing whatever we were doing. I think all the sun, exercise and fresh air from our camping trip helped. Plus we have been feeding her extra heathly, more vitamins and pineapple juice. I don't know exactly what helped but she was finally looking like herself again, although she wasn't acting like herself... The meds make her sooo emotional. She will cry over the smallest thing, have major intense breakdowns and tantrums over the smallest thing. That has been the hardest thing for me and Russell to deal with. She has not been acting like her normal sweet self. But at least overall internally things are getting better. So I just keep that in mind. And try to be patient. That's all I can really do right? I pray for patience. Because right now I need a whole lot of it.

After such amazing news we went out to celebrate. Russ had to head back to work so I took the girls out for ice cream. And we had a fun afternoon.

2 weeks from the first doctor appt ( today April 23rd)--

It has now been 2 weeks from our first doctor appt at Primary Childrens Hospital and her diagnosis with ITP. She has been on the steroid meds for 2 weeks and she looks so much better. Completely normal, other than she is retaining water and her face is puffy from the meds. They said that will go away quickly after she is off the meds. They are dropping her dosing and she will be totally off the steroid meds in 2 weeks. So only 2 more weekly blood tests then we wait and check again in 1 month to see if her platelets maintain without help. I guess she could go down again but it shouldn't be so seriously low if it did.

 It's amazing to me how each week there is just so much physical improvement. Today we had our follow up appt at Primary Childrens- Cancer, marrow and blood clinic again. Last week all we had to do was a blood draw at our nearest hospital lab. But his time we would be getting the blood draw and more answers up with the specialists.

The tests are never easy for Ava. She hates needles. But the nurses up there are better, and she seems to take it a little better there. 

Ava's blood work for this week came back even better. It was 171k! Finally she is in normal range. The last couple weeks we have called her our china doll. Because she was so brakeable. We had to tell her not to run or jump or really do anything where she could get hurt. It has been hard. She is a energetic 5 year old. So we are hoping the numbers stay high even after we wean her off the meds. 

While we were in seeing the specialist this lady came in asking if Ava wanted a surprise. Then she gave her this bag of princess blocks. And after her blood was drawn she got to pick a surprise out of the treasure chest and she picked the stuffed bunny dog. So she was proud to smile with all her goodies from being so brave at the doctor today. 

Also I wanted to show her legs now compared to 2 weeks ago. She looks so much better!

. 

Yesterday was a very busy morning in the waiting room at primary Childrens, cancer clinic. As we waited in the crowded room. I talked to some of the other moms and met some other young children dealing with bone and blood problems. Some of the kids were on there 2 round of chemo. One girl a year older that Ava the doctors didn't know what was wrong with her, but her bones hurt and she was so weak it was hard to walk or move. Her mom said the unknown was that hardest part. If you cant figure out what the problem is how can you fix it.  The little girls aunt was there too and told me her daughter had had ITP at age 3 and is now a teen and is fine. It never returned. Her situation was very similar to Ava. But it took over a month for her platelets to get back to normal and 7 months to be all better. I told her how much Ava had improved in just 2 weeks and she was shocked. She kept telling us how very lucky we were to have those results. Her daughter had to do the IVIG a week into treatment because she wasn't improving. 

As I was listening to her and comparing I felt so incredibly relieved and grateful that Ava's recovery has been faster. 

So that pretty much sums up the roller coaster over that last 2 weeks. It's crazy but each day has felt like a week and each week feels like a month. We are all emotionally drained but our hearts are full of gratitude. So grateful for all the prayers for Ava and our family. It truly has made all the difference. The first day was one of the hardest days in my life, I am very sensitive and emotional when it comes to my girls. So it truely was a testament of faith that though out all these doctor appointments I have been able to be strong when inside I felt like falling apart.

Pool Day in February

So we have all been going a bit stir crazy around here and missing summer sunshine so the closest thing to summer rather than hijacking the calender is heading to an indoor pool!

So my SIL Britney and I planned a play date with our kiddos. And I admit I was kinda freaking out inside just a bit. Londyn hasn't been since last summer and she wad barely walking then. Now she is a wild outgoing little toddler so I didn't know if she would love it, hate it or be indifferent. 

Luckily she loved it! And so did Ava (she has always been a water baby at heart). We just relaxed and played all afternoon.

Can't wait for the next time we can go. And it also is giving me summer fever big time! I plan on practically living at the pools and splash pads all summer long.

Baby Londee's first Instacare drama

So yesterday was July 24th, a Utah holiday, therefore all dr's are out and usually only the on call is available. As I look back on all the events from yesterday someone up in heaven was watching my sweet baby Londyn because at every turn another miracle went in our favor.

The morning was usually I was cleaning up- and doing dishes as the girls played with toys right by me in our connecting living room. Russ was at work since it was a busy day in the truck business. Then all of a sudden I hear a high pitch curdling scream followed by a cry I have never heard out of Londyn. It gave me chills down to my insides, the sound of death. I turn to see blood literally gushing, GUSHING uncontrollably out of her mouth and nose. I scramble to grab her and figure out what on earth could have caused all this damage... and the ONLY thing by her was a pink plastic flute/recorder of Ava's. And I knew it the pit of my stomach what had happened....

Londyn had been sucking on the flute while walking- which she is still wobbly and not very steady. She somehow fell and the flute gashed into her throat and mouth ripping and causing lots of damage. 

I grab Londyn as blood is going EVERYWHERE, and run into the bathroom to grab something to catch it with. Ava sees the blood and then she starts to panic, and cry. She kept crying out "what is wrong with her" My mind was racing and i knew I had to keep calm. I firmly tell Ava Londyn fell and I need her help, don't cry, you are the big sister. I need you. 

And she stopped ( which is not easy for her) and she ran upstairs to grab her blankey to share and comfort her little sis. In that moment Ava had to strength to act much older then a 4 year old, she was my support and just what I needed. 

I call my mom, at this point Londyn is still screaming uncontrollably, I am so lucky my parents live just 5 minutes away. She needed no explanation only that I needed her and she was on her way. I decided to put baby L in the bath to clean all the blood and calm her down, she loves bath time and that is all I could think to do. So I put her in. As I wash her, she is still screaming but now without all the blood coming out I see the damage in her mouth, with every cry that she opens her mouth- her tongue has a 2 inch rip from front to back, the roof of her mouth is back and blue with rips side to side. She would stop stop crying for a minute, then she would start up again. I could tell the pain was just unbearable. 

Before she was even out of the tub my mom arrived. Seriously I can't even begin to describe how incredably grateful and blessed I am to have her in my life. At this moment when I was having my own struggles as a mom, all I wanted was comfort from my own mother. It doesn't matter how old I get I will never outgrow that.

So my mom distracts Ava, I take Londee out of the tub and she hugs me, naked and wrapped in her pink towel... there we are, she is holding onto me like her life depended on it, like she never wanted to let go. 

And for the first time, no tears, no screaming. 

She was finally consolable.

 As I stood there in the bathroom hugging her I thought maybe, just maybe it would be okay. 

Maybe i didn't need to go to the hospital.

 I grab by cell to call her pediatrician. They answer as the after hours clinic. My heart sank, I wanted to talk to her actual nurse not some random that doesn't care or know her. As I talk to her she tells me the next opening they have isn't until 5 pm. Its about 12 noon at this point. Londyn has stopped bleeding and cries off and on. I wanted to justify that she would be okay but I knew that no matter what the cost her health and comfort is more important. The nurse asked her name and  then put me on hold. She came back on the line...

" Dr Cornish just happened to stop by this morning  (my girls Pediatrician) and if you come right now he will see her"

Seriously?? What a miracle... I don't know how that happened what changed. How did he know? He wasn't suppose to be there at all since he was heading out with his family, but he chose to see Londyn  instead of leave. He didn't have to. He is so amazing. The BEST pediatrician!!!

So I grab our stuff and head out the door. My mom takes Ava with her. I grab this little toy kitty that Londyn loves and jump in the car.

As I am driving, I call Russell. It had been so dramatic this was the first time I had even talked to him. Of course he is just as worried as me. He tells me whatever it costs he wants her to be okay. So I am driving, she is crying hard off and on. I am praying my little heart out that everything with be okay.

Finally we get there, the dr is about 15/ 20 min drive. I rush inside, by this point Londyn was asleep. She had passed out on the drive over. She seemed so peaceful... but I knew she wouldn't be for long.

They take us back to the room, ask me details of what happened, the timeline, loss of blood. I carefully told them everything. I even brought the toy she had fell on to show them. 

Next up...

look at the damage...  

I take her out of the stroller lay her blanket down on the op table. We have 2 nurses plus the doctor to all hold her steady so he can check it out. 

Screaming, more crying... I couldn't even look her in the face, it gave me chills, I couldn't even begin to imagine what she was feeling, her pain. Her little hand sqeezing my finger the whole time. 

Dr. Cornish was quick, he assessed the damage and was done. I picked her up, held her close as she snuggled and cried.  

THe next part... he looks at me and says, "Let me explain to you what I saw" I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, my whole body started to shake, I knew what he was going to tell me was bad news. He is a very honest man and not one to overdramatize anything. I had NEVER in all the years I have been seeing him with my girls seen this reaction out of him. He looked very worried, but yet  calm. 

He needed to be... I was not. 

He opens his own mouth as an example and carefully tells me... The back of her mouth, near the curve by her toncilies there was a 2 inch hole, and very deep rip. As he is telling me all the damage, I lost it. I had been so strong for her all morning and now I couldn't be, the tears were pouring out of my eyes as I stood there silently listening. I honestly don't remember most of what was said. Its a blur.

"Your daughter is going to need stitches.. Its much to deep to heal on its own. I am going to call the ENT specialist to come down to our office and take a look at her so you don't have to bother going  to the ER first. But he will need to put her under so she won't be in any more pain for the stitches."

I was falling apart. I am not one to cry in public, I try to hide emotion. But in that moment I was so sad, so overwhelmed and scared for my sweet baby I couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I tried. 

Dr. Cornish continues, "The damage is severe but I am 100% confidant she will heal with no long term issues. But we need to move quick on this."  I told him I wanted my husband here for the surgery. He leaves the room and I call my husband. Obviously crying thee whole time, he didn't even know what I was saying. He had already left his work so by the time I called he was close. 

My husband arrived, rushed into the room and holds sweet baby. At this point I thought we were headed for the Operating Room. Then would have to sedate her for the stitches and it was going to be a rough procedure because of where the cut was. I start praying and asking family and friends for their prayers. I was frightened, this whole thing was so scary. I don't want her to have to go through all this pain. We waited about 30 minutes and then the ENT (ear, nose, throat) specialist arrived.

First of all let me say, this never happens, the specialist came to US,  at our pediatrician office, we skipped the hospital all together. Second of all it was a holiday and he was off duty when he came to us. As I am reflecting back on this all I can''t believe how everything worked out for us. Prayers were truly  answered. 

Now with the ENT there it was his turn to check her out, I was dreading this part...

More tears, more screaming out in pain from poor little wounded Londyn. I couldn't even look at her. Russell and the nurses held her down this time. I couldn't even touch her, to feel her small trembling body pressed down on the exam table. I started sobbing again...

No, stop Laura, I can't cry. I have to keep it together. Dr. Cornish start discussing what they are seeing in her mouth, the options, what do they do. The exam ends. Now Russell holds her to calm her screaming. 

I stand there watching the 2 doctors discuss what is happening, what they saw. I try to make since of it, but my mind is mush, so many emotions I don't understand anything. Their faces are serious, not promiceing. I am standing there in a constant prayer, begging, pleading for a miracle,, just one more, please.

Then the ENT looks at me. Explains that the tear in the back of her throat is very deep but.... due to the location he thinks stiches can be avoided. He expains that often he has patients come in with an absess full of puss that builds on their tonciles. He then has to cut in that location to release that puss. So amazingingly the location of Londyns tear was in that EXACT location. If it were over to either side we would have had to proceed with surgery and stictches. He said it was deeper than a cut he would do but he knows due to the location that it would heal, by itself. He stressed the severe, intense pain she would be experienceing during healing time. They instructed only a liquid diet and nothing acidic. Perscribed anibiotics to make fure she didn't get any infection. They gave us extreamly strong pain meds for her. 

Prayers were truely answered. No stiches, no surgery. I was so grateful. Of course it wasn't going to be smooth sailing, there was still alot of hard days ahead but at least I knew she would be okay.

She fell asleep on the drive home, slept for a few hours, then woke up around 5, crying and in pain. I gave her the narcotic meds. I was a little worried how she would react to them. But she finally was herself. Happy, silly and for the first time all day she took her bottle.

These photos are all from that night, and we finally knew it would be okay.. and after she was on some pain meds!

This is my fav picture. I feel like heaven was opening up and shining on us... 

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my little Londee or my Ava.

Londyn and the little kitty that she hugged on through all the drama.

I just want to thank everyone who prayed and reached out supporting our family during this tough day. It meant so much to see all the kind comments coming from friends and family on social media and through phone calls. I am so lucky to have such incredible people surrounding our family.

Preschool Graduation and Dance Recital

My sweet little 4 year old had her ballet recital the day after Memorial Day. She did so AMAZING and it was so fun to watch her. She LOVES to dance.

These first couple pics were right when I dropped her off backstage. She was so happy and cute!

 So bummed this is blurry. We filmed the whole thing too but I wanted to get stillshot... it didn't work so well. 

After the performance she was tired and NOT at all in the mood for pics. Her dance studio did 3 different performance times. Ava was in the late one. So by the time it ended it was around 8pm and she was exhausted and coming off the sugar high from all the treats backstage. So she didn't want to hold her flowers or pose for photos. Both sets of her grandparents came, as well as her Aunt Kim. It really means alot to me to have family support my daughter! I am seriously so blessed with a great family- including my amazing in-laws!

This last pic says it all, she was tired and ONLY wanted her daddy. She has always been a daddy's girl. So sweet :)

Mother's Day Weekend

After being away from my little cuties for a whole week I could really appreciate Mother's Day even more this year. Now I have 2 kids and for the first time I am a full time stay-at-home mom. Wow what a change from past years. 

My days are filled with play dates, planning my shower and to dos around nap time and chasing around two wild rambunctious girls all day long. Some days are really hard but there are those moments within those tough days where I see the truth and unfiltered love that they have as sisters and for me. I see them grow and learn and everything they do is so amazing to me. I constantly find myself in awe so grateful that I was blessed to have these two little angels come to me and my husband. They picked us to take care of them and love them. I am so incredably lucky to be able to have them and love having the privilege of being there mommy. 

Lovingg my new mint watch, one of my Mother's Day gifts!

Ava made me this sweet card, and wrote my name on it all by herself. Not only does she have amazing handwriting but she knows how to spell my name. Its so funny to me she wrote my first name when I'm sure the kids were told to write "MOM". She knows mom's REAL name. haha love her!!

So I have been wanting a "mother's necklace" for a while now. I love little charms and wanted to personalize something to represent my kids and marriage. I went to a boutique a week before Mother's Day and found exactly what I was looking for.  I picked each of the charms out myself on the silver long chain and all are one of a kind. the crystal and rose represent my marriage and the letters represent my girls. On the bronze necklace the two initials and then the key represents "key to my heart" for my lover boy and the pearl is my birthstone. I am SOO in love with both and ended up being a perfect Mother's Day gift that I picked out :) 

We played outside lots since the weather was so amazing. Here is Ava with 2 of her favorite little friends. 

Saturday night we went to his cousin, Danica's wedding reception. Ava always loves going to weddings to meet the "princess". She always wants to meet the princess and give her a hug. At one point I looked down and noticed she had picked up the bride's train. So cute and glad I could capture the moment :)

I am THAT mom

 I have never been one of those parents that has a hard time being away from my kids.. 

or so I thought.

I have friends and family that really struggle leaving their kids overnight when going out of town. They would tell me how hard it was and how they would cry as soon as they parted ways, call obsessedly each day and night they were gone to check up and leave the babysitter with detailed notes and rules as well. 

I always thought that was how it should be, it should be hard to leave your kids so I though maybe there was something wrong since I wasn't that way. I had only been away from Ava 2 or 3 times and for no more than a couple nights. I even looked forward to having a break, a day or so with my man to relax and enjoy our vacation. Don't get me wrong, I missed her and it was sad to leave her but I wasn't sad or see it negatively at all. I knew she was safe and would have fun with her grandparents while we were gone.

So this time should have been no different... but it was.

This time I was leaving 2 kids.

This time I was leaving a 9 month old baby, a baby that was so attached to me she would cry whenever I left her with a babysitter for too long.

And this was the longest I had been away from Ava and the first time leaving Baby Londyn. I was doing fine and wasn't worried but 3 days before we left.... it hit me

I started having nightmares, I couldn't sleep, and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was having panic attacks and horrible out of control anxiety. I started worrying about everything that could go wrong.. I was so worried I was going to try and cancel the trip. I have had issues with anxiety and panic disorder in the past but this was at bad as it has been. 

My husband was concerned and my anxiety about this trip was carrying over to my kids. They knew something was wrong, and I didn't want that. I didn't want them to miss us and be sad and if they knew how hard it was for me it would make it harder for them too. Especially Ava since she understands me, she mirrors my emotions many times. The day before we left I went to see my doctor and he gave me something to take for it. And finally I was able to breath again, take a step back to reality and realize everything will be okay, the kids would be fine, the plane won't crash, our luggage will make it there and that I'm not a bad mom for wanting to take a vacation with my man without our kids. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I try to take steps so it doesn't get to the point where I feel trapped in my panic. 

Well the night we left the kids I prayed they would be fine. If they were okay, then I knew I would be. But if they started to cry I would lose it. But luckily there wasn't any drama. In fact, they did amazing the whole time, with both famililes. What a blessing, truely. 

The vacation was amazing, as I said before and I did fine until about half way through the trip. Wednesday I started to get emotional. Luckily we were able to talk to them on the phone the day we were in Puerto Rico.  But for some reason it made it harder once I did. And I found myself wishing they were with us on the cruise. I did have a bit of a hard time that afternoon as we were shopping downtown in the quaint little shops of PR looking for gifts for our girls, seeing other little kids with the tourists made me really homesick for our little ones. But knowing it was only a few more days till we would be home I snapped out of it. 

They were fine, I was fine, everything was okay. So i did amazing the rest of our vacation. The day we got home as we drove home from the airport I couldn't wait to see them, hug them, kiss and love on them. 

Before our vacation I looked forward to a break and freedom away. But what I realized after this trip is I am not that worryfree girl anymore, I am a mom. And no matter what I will always miss my children and worry about them no matter where I am or where they are. My life has changed and thats okay. I wouldn't want it any other way. Now when I go on trips coming home is just as much something to look forward to as leaving is. Because home is my family and I love them more than everything!

The Perfect Getaway

AMAZING!!! 

Basically that discribes our trip. It was so nice to be alone with my man for a whole week and really reconnect without all the daily distractions. 

We left Friday night, we had a red eye leaving at 12:30am. The flight was really late departing out of SLC. So when we got to Atlanta we had to literally run to our connecting flight and barely made it. 

We made it to Miami 9:30 Saturday morning. It was a perfect sunny day. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I was so excited for this adventure to start!

They took this picture right before we boarded the ship. We look pretty good for traveling all night :; Lets just say Delta doesn't have comfy seats for sleeping...

We got on the ship around noon, and were one of the first to board since we got there so early. So the first thing we did was eat then head to the pool to start on our tans!

Our first night on the ship, exploring and having fun. Feeling like a couple of newlyweds again. I feel like I fell in love all over again. So nice just to hold hands, kiss and show the whole world how in love we really are. Its hard sometimes to be romanic when we are holding babies and chasing a rebelious 4 year old having a tantrum. 

We had the most perfect room on the ship. We were on the same level as the main pool and buffet restaurant.  Litterally just down the hall from the pool was so amazing! Plus this time we decided to spring for a balcony room and it was SOOO worth it. Seriously nothing more romantic then eating breakfast as the sun rises or cuddling at sunset. The views were always spectacular from our 9th floor deck. One night we pulled out our mattress from the room and slept out there, truely and unforgetable night ;)

Sunday, our first full day we landed in Nassau, The Bahamas. 

We did an excursion to this private little island we had to get to by water taxi.

There was a dolphin sanctuary here and we watched them do all these tricks and interact with the tourists. It was amazing. 

As we explored this mini paradise we found ourselves in this little abandoned beach cove and all by ourselves. It was awesome! 

After our tour was over we headed back to mainland Bahamas and did a bit of shopping then back to the ship to relax by the pool.

Monday, was a day at sea. So we spent our morning breakfast on our balcony.

Here we are exploring our ship and doing some shopping.

Monday was also our first Formal Night onboard. I love any excuse to get all dolled up so it was so fun!

This was taken in the amazing glass elevator. 

After dinner and taking a bunch of the professional pics we headed back to  our room to change into casual clothes then headed out to the late night comedy show.. Which was SOO funny. We laughed our heads off. Seriously so fun!

Tuesday, we ported in St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. It was my favorite port. So amazingly  breathtaking. I never wanted to leave.

We had a fun snorkling, catamaran excursion in St. Thomas. Here I am on the boat sailing over. We met some cool people and all went on this together. Seriously this day was amazing!!! 

After arriving at the spot where we did the snorkling. It was a ways from the beach so it was super deep and I was freaked out. But I got over it and ended up having a lot of fun. YOLO

Sailing back, what an amazing day!!

After getting back to the ship, we relaxed and took naps since we were exhausted. Then got all up and ready for dinner and pictures.. 

I love me and my man!! Still so happy and in love 12 years later.

Wednesday, we ported in Puerto Rico. We didn't have any excursions booked for this port. Instead we decided to explore the island on our own and do some shopping.

Later that night they had a fun pool party. We ended up staying up so late that night. And here we are in the arcade. It was so fun playing all the games. The awesome red belly dancing skirt I got in Puerto  Rico!.. haha

Thursday we had our final port, Grand Turk. It was beautiful but very touristy and expensive. Since the beach was literally right off the dock we decided to just do our own thing, beach and shop. 

After heading back to ship we hurried to get ready for our 2nd Formal Night. 

Me and my lover boy ;)

Friday, our last day and also a day at sea. This ended up being one of my favorite days. We kept it low key, relaxing and soaking in all the ship had to offer. 

After relaxing by the pool we headed back to our room to get all cleaned up and get an early start to pictures and dinner.  We held hands, kissed, had so much fun that night. We ended the night in the ourdoor spa hottub by  ourselves. It will be a night I will always remember. I have never felt so in love and relaxed and happy.

So cheers to 10 years of marriage! I am so happy that we decided to go on this vacation. It may not have been the cheapest most logical thing to do but sometimes you have to just enjoy life and make memories. I never regret the times I do only the times I don't. I love this man SOOO much. And after reconnecting I feel we are even closer and more in love than ever before. I am a better mom, a  better wife, and a happier person. I am so grateful for my life because right now it truely is perfect.... :)

These last couple are right before leaving the ship to head back home.